Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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