I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
