walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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