it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
