I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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