I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
