Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
