they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
