he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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