9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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