You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
