Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
