my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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