Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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