Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
