she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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