youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
