Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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