How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My ass is underappreciated
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
