I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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