So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
