Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
