last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
