Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
