Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
