That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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