the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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