The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
