what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
