So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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