My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
