Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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