Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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