So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
