Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
