thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The air was thick with penises
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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