I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
