I wish my penis had an off switch
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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