Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
