I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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