Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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