Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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