I think I died a long time ago.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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