Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
