lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is my gift to your gina
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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