oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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