She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
