I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
