I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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