You made me cry and you don't even care
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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