It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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