he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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