i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
