Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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