I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
