The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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